The Talk

School started yesterday.  Circus School!  Two awesome days down, many more to go.  It was the typical usual first days kinda stuff.  The orientation meeting.  The group assessment.  The individual meeting with the fantastic Intensive Program Director to discuss goals and fears.  The only thing we didn’t do was play one of those “meet and greet” games, like saying a name and tossing a ball.  I’m pretty sure I’m fine with not having done that.

                Yesterday, being the first day, we had the sit-in-the-circle-welcome-orientation-rules-expectations meeting.  Jamie, our amazing Intensive Program Director, (did I mention she's awesome?) mentioned how she felt like a bad first date, doing all the talking.  Don’t worry though, it wasn’t bad at all.  It was only all the necessary stuff.  And of course we went around saying our names and where we’re from.  Then, while paperwork was being handed around, we went around again and told a little more about ourselves, like how we got into circus.  When it got to be my turn, of course I mentioned the “Fun with Circus Skills” class and the first time I got to try German Wheel and going home and googling it, YouTubing it, and trying to find where to purchase one.  Then, and I did feel a bit…like awkward first date topic, I told everyone that I have Type 1 Diabetes, that there are a few things to be aware of, but it doesn’t make me fragile.  It can be a difficult thing to bring up because I don’t want people to treat me different, but to be aware of it makes for a safe environment.  It can be difficult to bring up especially if it’s the first time meeting people because I’d like them to get to know me first.  You know?  But, this was definitely different than a first date, because of the nature of not only the group, but the activities and the environment.  I do have to say, though, that in all the evening classes I have taken, no coach or other student for that matter has ever treated me as if I am fragile.  They still have asked the same of me as any other student.  But it is nice to know that they understand if I up and leave the room or go sit down for a snack, it’s for a very specific reason (low blood sugar).  It might have felt awkward to announce it in such a large group, but I would rather feel awkward for a moment than have everyone give that questioning look when I have to grab a snack. 

                I am suddenly reminded of more than one of my former-elementary-school-classmates telling me (within the last few years) that they often thought, “Why does Abby get a snack now?”

                How many times have I had to give the Diabetes introduction?  By now you’d think I’d be used to it.  I remember in 7^th grade in my “homeroom” we all got a couple of M&Ms which we could eat after we said our name and something else about ourselves.  When it was my turn, I said something like, “Well, it turns out M&Ms do melt in your hand.  I can’t eat these right now because I have Diabetes.” Etc and so on.  It probably wouldn’t have been a big deal if I had eaten them, but at the time the common thought was still “No sugar.”  And I was not yet on the pump, still treating with 2 regular and nph (mixed) injections each day.  How far I’ve come, and yet I still find it difficult sometimes to introduce myself as a “PWD” = Person with Diabetes.

Sometimes I Just Can't Fall Asleep

So I’m sitting here, it’s 10:50 pm, in a dark room lit only by an obscured night-light and my laptop screen.  The laptop is doing a much better job of throwing light than the nightlight at the moment, probably due to the fact that there is a fully draped clothes drying rack planted directly in front of said nightlight.  The grammar-check of this version of “word” is telling me that I have the wrong “it’s” in front of the “10:50.”  Isn’t it obvious that I mean “it is” and not the possessive form?  Grammar-check, you can throw your squiggly green lines at me all you want, I am not changing that!  This is a quaint little room, barely big enough for a bed and me, but I am growing to like it.  About 90% of my belongings are still at home; it will be nice to live minimally for a while again.  I do have to bring a few more things up here before all is said and done.  Like fingernail and toenail clippers, a reading lamp, my paints and 2 canvasses, and something else which I will remember later. 

                School starts tomorrow.  It’s 11:00 pm and I’m not in bed yet.  Who knows if I will even be able to sleep?  Excited?  Yes.  Nervous?  Double yes.  If there was one talent I wish I had, though I might even consider it a super power, it would be the ability to fall asleep anywhere on command.  I would not want to randomly fall asleep anywhere, that could be dangerous (zip-lining, driving a car, cutting onions at Julia Childs speed, you name it, there are many dangerous-while-sleeping activities).  If I could do that, fall asleep on command no matter my surroundings, I would totally turn this baby off, lay down in bed, and tell myself, “Ok self, sleep now,” and boom, I’d be asleep.  Like buttah.  Yes, I know that doesn’t really fit, but I just like saying, “Like buttah.” 

                And finally, here I am 10 hours away from the first day of circus school.  I hope I’m ready.

Let’s Talk About Fear, Shall We?

Oh my, August already.  The end of August, already.  How did that happen?  Who cares, it’s here and there’s nothing we can do about it. 

            Just like that summer is almost over and I’ll be starting the Intensive Program at NECCA in…12 days…12 DAYS!!!  I’m moving up to Brattleboro, soon, too.  I’m feeling a little anxious, excited, nervous, maybe even a little scared because sometimes change can be a bit scary.  But what am I scared of?  Being in this program is something I’ve been looking forward to for over a year.  I’m afraid I won’t find a part-time job and that I’ll go totally broke and not be able to afford food or rent or school payments.  I’m afraid I won’t live up to expectations, my own and my coaches’.  I’m afraid of having severe low blood sugar (hypoglycemia) and causing an “incident.”  That pretty much sums up all my major fears.  Here’s what I keep telling myself: 

Abby, you are employable and there will be a job out there.  You just have to keep your eyes open.  Don’t forget, you’ll still be working at Zoar, zipping until the end of October, you have some time.  Just keep looking.  Also, get over yourself.  You know how to work hard and put effort into the things you do.  Remember rowing?  Competitively?  In college?  Yeah, you did that.  Remember biking across the country?  Yup, you did that, too.  Just put the work in and you will meet or exceed expectations.  Thirdly, just do your blood tests, often, don’t forget to eat, regularly, and take your insulin, but not too much.  You’ve done this before.  Remember rowing?  Biking?  It will be ok.

So there you go.  Nothing to fear but fear itself.  And a big scary spider.  Or many itty bitty spiders.

Many itty bitty spiders = scary.

It's a Roller Coaster, Baby!

And not necessarily a good one, either. Boo.

That, my friends, is a representation of what my blood sugars did between 8:00-ish pm last night and 10:00-ish this morning. “Up down up down.” Or maybe down-up-down-up is more accurate. The funny thing is, when I woke up at 5:00 am this morning, I was totally drenched in sweat. It’s that whole adrenaline-kicking-in-because-my-blood-sugar-is-low thing that results in all that crazy sweat.

This is what happened: I was half asleep tossing and turning and realized, while still in bed, that sweat was literally dripping off me. Something clicked and I was like, “hmm…excessive sweat…probably low…probably should wake up and do a blood test.” Sure enough, 46 mg/dL. And the funny thing about that is that I swear I was not nearly that sweaty at 8:00 pm last night when I had a 45 mg/dL in the middle of my acro/tumbling class. One would think that with all the jumping, flipping, and tumbling that was happening, I would have looked like I’d just gone for a swim, but no. Instead I wake up at 5am looking like I’ve just run a marathon or something. Wouldn’t it be amazing though, if a person could dream their exercise and reap the benefits of that dream exercise as if it was real awake exercise? Aside from waking up in a puddle of sweat, it would be pretty cool.

Annnnd…this is that awkward moment that I realize I just wrote an entire blog post about my sweat…followed immediately by that awkward moment when you just realized you read an entire post about my sweat. Awkward!

P.S. Comments and stuff are welcome! Got a similar story? Or a not-similar story? Want to talk about cloud shapes? Don’t be shy!

Writer's Block and Mysteries

Call it writer’s block. For the last couple of weeks I’ve simply been unable to write anything resembling a post even though there has probably been plenty to write about. I suppose one bit of news, if you hadn’t seen it on the facebook on March 26th, is that I’ve been accepted into the Intensive Program at NECCA. There was also the Showcase of Circus which was held at the studio on March 24^th. Then there was the demo performance at the WRSI Meltdown event on March 31^st. Now that it’s almost mid-way through April, all that news feels like “olds” instead. So, I’ll write about something else.

Do you ever wonder about the lives of people around you? Like in the grocery store, for example. When you go grocery shopping, you see all the other grocery shoppers going about their shopping. There’s also the store employees; the stock-people, the cashiers, the baggers, the people behind the meat counter and the seafood counter. But do you ever wonder what they do in their “other life,” their non-grocery-shopping life? Maybe some of them are artists, lawyers, astronauts, circus performers, doctors, kung-fu masters, Olympic athletes, musicians or any number of other things. And you wouldn’t know by looking at them. This reminds me of an art project I did a couple years ago for a self-portrait class. I made a “quilt” of self portraits which I hung in front of some mirrors with “secrets” hanging in between. It was about what people hide versus what they show. That’s what the photo is of.