Down on Me

It’s things like this that make me question the feasibility of my newly designed path. What I’m talking about is what went down in my German Wheel class tonight: my blood sugar. Before class it was really nice at 110 mg/dl. I took my pump off because sometimes it gets in the way. We did the warm-up which was some jogging, jumping, lunging, and stretching. Then the fabric kids (they’re around my age, some older some younger, but I like to call people kids) went to hang out on fabrics and us wheel kids got the wheels out to play. There was a new student with us tonight, so I felt a little cramped, but I was going to make myself be comfortable with it. I did some warm-up rocks and stuff and just felt off; too hot and sweaty and a little uncoordinated. So, I grabbed a chewy bar then hopped back on the wheel. Still didn’t feel right. Ok. I should see where I’m at…so I did another blood test. This time, it was 29 mg/dl. Seriously?!?! That’s very low. Seriously. I’m glad I didn’t try anything that required more skill and control. A non-diabetic typically stays around 60 – 90 mg/dl, and 60 is even a bit low, but not too bad. Usually the target range for diabetics is somewhere around 70 – 140 mg/dl. This differs from person to person; some break it down to 70 – 100 mg/dl before meals and 100 – 140 mg/dl after meals, whereas others might have slightly different target ranges based several reasons including age or how their control has been over the last 3 – 4 months. Moral of the story, I was low. This made me so frustrated because before class I thought to myself, I wonder if I should have a snack? I’m going to take my pump off anyway, and usually my blood sugar goes up a bit by the end of class, so, I’ll forgo the snack because I think it’ll be fine. I should have remembered that I snacked around 5 pm and gave myself insulin with it. That insulin was still hanging out in my system and got a little extra kick from the warm-ups we did. The result: crash, boom, splat, there goes my blood sugar. So I ate. Waited about 15 minutes. The wheel coach asked if I was ready yet…I just didn’t feel right yet, so I did another blood test. Whoopee…49 mg/dl. Grrrr, still not high enough; more snack and more waiting. I already felt like I was wasting time. I got really frustrated. I cried some. It happens when my blood sugar is low. I accept that, doesn’t mean I have to like it. Finally I felt kind of ok enough to do some stuff. But I was still awkward and not really on point like I’ve been in previous classes. Maybe in part because I was on a bigger wheel than I’m not used to; the new student had the wheel that I usually use. But really, I think I just let this “episode” get to me. I let it rattle around in my head and take up valuable space that happy-focus-wheel-focus-time needed. Then I let the insidious thoughts creep in, What are you even doing here, Abby? You’re just kidding yourself thinking that you can do this. You can’t even do a kick-over to seats without a spot yet. You can’t do pull-up to seats without a spot yet. You can’t do that weird pike thing without a spot yet. Stupid thoughts, where are you even coming from? Huh? The land of Low-Blood-Sugar-Shakes and Emotional City, that’s where. I know I’m low when I start panicking about the future. It’s true. I realized that during one particular finals week at UMass and I was standing in my dorm room just looking around and suddenly I was in the middle of some I’m-going-to-end-up-homeless-in-a-box-on-the-side-of-the-road-freezing-to-death panic attack. So, I knew this was just my blood sugar talking. But it actually tends to magnify fears or insecurities that I already have. So yes, I do wonder if what I am doing will be worth it; will I find success? Who really ever knows? All that matters is if I’m enjoying it. And yes, excluding the stinkin’ lows! Luckily, I ended on a high note. And I do not mean my blood sugar! I’ve been trying this trick that we call the “straddle spiral.” Most of the time the wheel just ends up slamming on the ground with a very loud SLAP! But tonight, after several tries, I finally got it. There is hope, after all.

Straddle spiral (the very first one, for about 2 seconds), then many more spiral moves.

Pull up to seats (at about 34 seconds) and kick-over to seats (at about 59 seconds)

Then There Were Two

It's funny. Never in a million years would I have imagined that either of my brothers would also be diagnosed with diabetes. But, as it turns out, that beastly dragon was hibernating through the last 23 years, until waking up with a growl and, I imagine, flying through the Islets of Langerhans and burning down the beta-cell villages with a fiery vengeance in my little brother's pancreas. That's a little dramatic, but I like the mental image. Even after all the fire and brimstone, my brother is handling this very well. I'm so proud of him. (Awwww.) He had a lot of information thrown at him by the endocrinologist, and he's taking it seriously and really trying to follow the guidelines. It's going to be tough for a while, and I have to remind myself of that; every day is going to be like an experiment with about a thousand variables. The first few days he called fairly often with questions, but I haven’t heard from him for a few days; I guess that’s a good sign.

What else can I write about? Well, let’s see…yesterday afternoon my mom, my best friend Brittani, and I went to the Mullins Center at UMass Amherst to see Cirque du Soleil Quidam. At intermission, Brittani asked, “So what does quidam mean?” I remembered reading about it, but I couldn’t say exactly. So, here it is from the Cirque website:

Quidam: a nameless passer-by, a solitary figure lingering on a street corner, a person rushing past and swallowed by the crowd. It could be anyone, anybody. Someone coming or going at the heart of our anonymous society. A member of the crowd, one of the silent majority. The one who cries out, sings and dreams within us all. This is the "quidam" whom this show allows to speak. This is the place that beckons - a place for dreaming and genuine relations where all quidams, by proclaiming their individuality, can finally emerge from anonymity.

The show was very entertaining. The clown was hilarious (and no, he did not have a red nose). The acrobatics were astounding, and all the different skills were spectacular. I felt inspired as we left the building. I still feel inspired! Last night I wrote in my journal, “I want to do that.” My favorite part? I don’t know, they were all so good. You might expect me to say the German Wheel act because I am currently taking a class in it at NECCA; however, I might have to pick something else. Mainly because I’ve seen lots of wheel videos on YouTube and have seen some really fancy routines, and the Quidam German Wheel act wasn’t as fancy. Although, he was performing on a rotating stage which was not very large, so that made it a bit more difficult. Don’t get me wrong, I really enjoyed seeing a wheel routine in person! But still, I think I’d have to go with the statue people. This was an act with two performers, one man and one woman, who moved very very slowly and balanced on each other. You could see every muscle on each of them. Then there was the lyra act. Then there was the cord act. Then there was the cloud swing act. Ok, so it was all good.

I don’t want these posts to be too long and time consuming to read, and I know I could write a lot more, but this is it for today. There is also a lot for me to do this afternoon before I head up to Brattleboro for acrobatics (acro for short) class! I’ll try to have another post in a few days with better writing and more details. Thanks and enjoy the weather!

So It Begins

Today is my little brother's birthday. He turned 23. It's 11pm and he's currently in the ER because we think he has diabetes. Happy Birthday, right? It occurred to me earlier, shortly after I did a blood test on him (and it was over 600 mg/dl), that I've had diabetes for longer than he's been alive; and yet, it greatly upsets me that he now probably also has it. Even though this disease is manageable, I don't want him to have it. I wish he wouldn't have to go through the daily frustrations associated with it. He has the worst luck, too. As our dad said, "If it wasn't for his bad luck, he'd have no luck at all." If only he had mentioned something last week, this birthday could have been a little better. Oh well.

That brings me to my first point: symptoms. These are the reasons we did a blood test in the first place. My brother was exhibiting some classic symptoms of diabetes, which include frequent urination (every hour or so), extreme thirst, unexplained weight loss, feeling generally bad, like sick to the stomach, run-down, tired, spacey, pale skin, and bags under the eyes. Yes, some of this could be due to sleep patterns and being over-worked, but when they're all together, it's best to see a doctor. Luckily, he was not throwing up.

Ok, so according to the American Diabetes Association, symptoms of Type 1 Diabetes are:

• Frequent urination,
• Unusual thirst,
• Extreme hunger,
• Unusual weight loss,
• Extreme fatigue and irritability.

So if you or anyone you know has these symptoms, talk to a doctor, or encourage them to see a doctor.

Now that that's out of the way, a word about the purpose of this blog. About a week ago I got the idea to write a blog about dealing with diabetes and not letting it dictate life. That is to say that I have this goal of attending the New England Center for Circus Arts (circus school), and there's no way I'm going to let diabetes stop me. It hasn't stopped me from playing softball or soccer, rowing for the UMass Women's Crew Team for 4 years, or bicycling across the country. Basically, I want to use this as a way to give other people hope and encouragement. Sometimes it is difficult finding others with this disease who have not let it slow them down. Then, when you hear about them, it's easy to say, "Well yeah, they could do such-and-such a thing because of such-and-such a reason, and I don't have that kind of resource or whatever." I've said it. Many times, these people were already participating in sports, ballet, swimming, or mountain climbing before they were diagnosed, so it might seem like they already have an advantage. Well, I've never done circus before. I learned how to do a cartwheel on the playground at recess in elementary school. That's it. I know it's a cliche, but you just have to want it, whatever it is. I know sometimes that's not enough; you also do have to work for it, because it's not just going to materialize out of thin air, but that goes along with wanting it. If you want money, you have to work for it, right? I know it's really not that easy, but you have to start somewhere, and sometimes it means jumping in with both feet. Now I'm just rambling. I'd better stop before I type complete nonsense. And my decaf tea is probably cold now. Shucks.

Anyway, a note to my brother, if he ever reads this, and to anyone and everyone else who is feeling down and overwhelmed: it could be worse. Really. Just take it one day at a time.